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thought i was a donut, ya tried to glaze me


"I party like a rockstar, maaaannn..."

No, you don't.

You are not a rock star.

I read too many Facebook profiles that say things to the effect of "I party like a rock star!" There is plenty of stupid stuff in people's Facebooks, and since I'm sure there is plenty of stupid stuff in my Facebook profile,I'm not about to judge others...although I do judge the people who seriously write "reading's stupid" under the Favorite Books section, and I secretly judge those who list themselves as Very Conservative, and recently, those who say there's nothing good on TV under the Favorite TV Shows section. These things should always be judged.

But come on. I know you're not a rock star, and you don't party like one. You think Tommy Lee used to pregame before the bar? HELLS NO. Tommy Lee didn't need to pregame because he was never sober to begin with. And instead of spending $10 to drink all he could for 3 hours, he was spending thousands of dollars so he could sniff mad coke and drink all the top-shelf liquor he could for 24 hours. Then he'd bang some chicks and bang some drums and we all fucking loved it.

Another example--Billy Joel. Billy Joel would drink entire cases of beer for breakfast, pop some prescription pills for lunch, and write fabulous, heart-wrenching music after dinner...a dinner made primarily of gallons of Johnnie Walker Black. And later that night he'd tickle Christie Brinkley, tickle the ivories, and we obviously all fucking love it and sing "Captain Jack" alone in our cars and don't mind that he actually looks like more of a regular person than most of us.

That's a rock star.

I'm not a rock star, so I don't party like one. Rockstars are (usually) talented musicians and tormented artists who use the crutches of drugs, alcohol, and permiscuous sex to help heal the broken child in side. I'm serious--I saw it on VH1. Rock stars make hit records and sell out the Garden (shit, man, Billy Joel had to add an 8th show!) and perform on Conan and Leno and sleep in giant tour buses; I could say "but at the end of the day, they're just like you and me" but that would be a lie. Rock stars aren't like regular people--they are rock stars, therefore their partying is appropriate. Rock stars were, at one time, regular people, too; but then they did something magical to become rock stars. And if I knew what that was, I certaintly wouldn't put it in this blog...the three people who read this would steal it; so if I knew what that magical something was I'd keep it to myself.

I am just a regular person, so I try to party like...a regular person. I don't front like I'm a rock star because it is insulting to the rock stars, as well as dangerous to myself. Rock stars crash and burn and go to rehab or, worse, die. And I'm not about to suffer an untimely death by emulating the lifestyle of a rock star when I know there's not even a Behind the Music in store for me.

We all need to realize that until you can pick up a guitar and play some tantalizing power chords; until you can dance and kick on stage all the while singing your little heart out to a crowd of screaming devoted fans; and until you can create a masterpiece even half as good as "Miami 2017 (Seen The Lights Go Out On Broadway)"; you cannot spread lies about your partying ways in your Facebook profile.

I know facebook is all about showing people how fun you are (something that's been made even better/worse by facebook photos) so as an alternative to the rock star comparison, I think people should spit the truth, and write: "I party like most college students do, you know; too much. I enjoy my fair share of beer pong, Jager Bombs, Georgi Vodka, roll the occasional blunt, buy the occasional Vicodin from the kid down the hall. There's nothing really out of the ordinary for me; I'm fun, though, take my word for it....

...And if I had one wish it would be to party like a rock star."

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I wonder if my writing has even improved?