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thought i was a donut, ya tried to glaze me



The summer is kinda-sorta officially over and I'm not as bummed as I thought I'd be. While many would see the start of the school-year as an end to the fun and relaxing days of summer, I see them as a chance to avoid 7am deli shifts and grease burns from cleaning the grill. I also like to enjoy life during all four seasons, not just the summer; I'm not the type to get depressed over shorter days and the lack of a natural tan.

I started school yesterday and it was good. I have a really easy course load--4 classes, yay. I'm starting work at the writing center which I'm really excited about, and there's also the wsju responsibilities, so I won't be wasting those extra three hours a week I'd usually be spending in class.

And this is senior year, what the hell, senior year of college. I feel like I just moved into Donovan Hall, or even worse, just went to that college fair St. John's had and we all went to with Stella. The campus looked so big then and I felt like I travelled a million miles just to get to it. The older I've gotten the more I've been able to shorten that commute in my head, as well as make the place seem a hell of a lot smaller than it did 4 years ago. I'm not even 21 yet but every so often I feel old. I think of May and the time after that and all I see is this giant question mark in my head, like June and the months after don't exist since I don't know what my purpose will be. This is the first time in my life where I don't know what I'll be doing next year, at least not yet. I'll be a semi-aimless college graduate, who spent lots of her parents money to walk across the graduation stage and think "Now what?" I was thinking of putting that on my graduation cap--maybe in white tape, nice and big, to capture what I know most of the people surrounding me will be thinking.

Needless to say, I'm excited and scared and happy and sad and anything I can possibly feel, all at once, all competing for prime spot as my emotion. The world is mine, right Nas? I think that sometimes and get so excited and imagine a life travelling and doing what I really love. But then I think, who's gonna pay for it? Or at least my mom asks me that, usually after a loud snort. Grad school, work, world travel--all sound great, but only one of them doesn't involve collect calls to my parents for deposits into my savings account. But then again, world travel doesn't require a resume or an interview or a call back process. And grad school can delay the inevitable of the real world, at least for a few more years. It allows me to still school-supply shop and get drunk on a weekday and cram for a paper and meet with professors. But where will I go? Who's gonna pay for it?

"Money doesn't buy happiness, but it sure helps"--candace said that last week, a quote from her mom, and it made me wish I had tons of money to travel wherever I want and just do whatever I want and carve my own path. I don't have major money issues, but for nearly everyone, it is an issue, even a minor one. Maybe I should audition for "Millionaire" again.

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I wonder if my writing has even improved?