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thought i was a donut, ya tried to glaze me

4.11.2007

wear sunscreen






It's almost that time of year again...that season for Grads and Dads. And while there are plenty of other things I should be doing in regards to my own Grad event, I'd rather be doing this.

We've all sat through countless terrible Valedictorian Speeches. Maybe they were too long, or too boring, or too self-congratulatory, or just plain awful--regardless, we were forced to sit and pretend to listen and clap at the end. We've all thought we could write a better speech, and maybe we could, if given the opportunity. But for most of us, it's just not in the cards.


So this post is going out to all the overachievers in the world, the brownosers with a 4.0 or that lucky duck who got approved by Student Affairs to talk to me on May 13th.

Please, read through my suggestions and consider them before sitting down to write your speech. Don't forget that you're up there for all of us--don't let us down (or make us fall asleep).


MY GUIDE TO THE VALEDICTORIAN SPEECH

1. Congratulations
There, I said it. You happy now smartypants?

2. Make It Short...
This may be hard for you to hear, but 99% of the people looking up at you, roasting in polyster caps and gowns, don't give a crap about what you're going to say. Keep it brief, or else someone's gonna jump you in the parking lot.

3. ...And Sweet
Don't lecture us. You may have a higher GPA, but you most likely spent all your time in the library or the lab. That means your real-life experiences are nonexistent. We don't want any of your borrowed advice, you condescending geek, because you're as clueless as the rest of us.

Also, please refrain from bringing up topics such as global warming, the war in Iraq, the media, or feline AIDS. We get it--Bush Sucks, America Sucks, Life sucks. We just don't wanna hear about it on our Graduation Day.

4. But Don't Try Too Hard To Be Funny, Either
Remember in the movie Say Anything..., when Diane tried to make a joke to open up her speech, and the only person who got it and laughed was her dad? Don't let that happen to you. Unless you've been told by at least 3 people (relatives don't count) that you are mildly amusing, stick to what you know.

5. Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before...
If you find yourself using any of the following cliched phrases, please DELETE IMMEDIATELY:

"helped me to lead a more happy and succesful life..."
"expanded my horizons..."
"honor to be standing here today ..."
"the heroes of 9/11 made me realize the important things in life..."
"and i took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference"

I know "The Road Less Traveled By" is, like, the only poem you've ever read, but spare us the Frost. Chances are you've never been in a situation where there were two roads diverged in the wood. Hell, you've probably never even been to the woods.

6. You Like ME! You Really Like ME!!
You should be really proud of all your accomplishments. All your hard work has paid off and, hey!, there's your family, sitting third row to the left, waving at you! Aww, there's granny--how'd they get her on the lawn in her wheelchair?--and Uncle Larry, too. And there's a microphone in your face--go on, touch it, it's real, hot mic, is this thing on? It must feel like the Oscars up there!!

But it's not. If it was, there'd be a director cueing the orchestra when you went too long.

So this is not your opportunity to thank your mom or dad or professor or roomate or agent for all their support throughout the years. This is not your chance to tell a sad story about how much you wish your Grandpop could be here with you. Not only does nobody care, but it's kind of selfish to stand up there and babble about yourself just because you think you have the right to. We all have special families and professors and dead grandparents; we don't want to hear about yours. You're young and ambitious. I'm sure this wont be the last time you're onstage with a mic in your face, so if you're gonna say something, at least try to make it creative.


And Finally...


7.K.I.S.S
Judge Judy said it best--keep it simple, stupid. And short. Because if you don't keep it short, I'll be waiting for you in the parking lot.



Uh, good luck with it, ok?

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I wonder if my writing has even improved?