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thought i was a donut, ya tried to glaze me

1.04.2008

Sabotaging My Future

I'm in the process of looking for work. As you might have guessed, it's tedious and boring and, for the most part, futile; I'd say I hear back from 2% of the jobs I apply to (that's internet job postings for you). Sometimes it feels like I'm stuck in a hole and the more I dig that deeper I get.

Even when I get called in for an interview I feel I get so nervous that I freeze up. If someone would have asked me last year I wouldn't have believed it but I've come to realize that I'm a dud in interviews. Monotone, quiet, filled with "um"s and "uh"s. Probably a whole bunch of "like"s and my small problem of stuttering and making sentences that don't make sense or saying words that don't exist. Cover letters, shaking hands--it blows. And it's gotten me obsessed with some funny ways I can liven this whole process up.

Let's start with the application. I wouldn't want to lie or make things up on my resume--that shit's unethical--so I'm gonna leave that past display of accomplishments (that is slowly becoming more past than present) as it is. Oftentimes, though, a company will ask you to include salary requirements. This is always tricky; I don't want to seem greedy, but I also don't want to undersell myself. But then again, it's not like these companies are going to actually give me what I want, or that I won't take a job if it's less than what I put down. So the next time I fill out a cover letter, I plan on putting down something ridiculous. For example:

I feel a comprable salary range for this position is between $31,978 and $67,812.87.

Based on the job requirements and my past experience I feel a sufficient salary would be ONE. MILLION. DOLLARS.



As I said before, I'm a shitty interviewer. I've gotten better, but I've always had this secret desire to really push the limit and see how much crazy shit I can do before someone laughs or asks me to leave (in real interviews, though, I've actually had to work really hard to fight off the urge to use the term "balls out" when asked a variety of questions).

When someone asks me "where do you see yourself in 10 (5, 2..) years?" ..

...Slouch down, shrug my shoulders, and say, "shit, bitch, you think I know? what I look like, a motherfucking psychic?"

...look down, pretend to cry and whisper, "Alive. If I ever find a donor match..."

...sit up straight and firmly say, "With you calling me boss."


When someone asks me, "what are some of your strengths?"...

"Mario Tennis."

"Do you mean inm or outside of the bedroom?"

"SimCity 3000"

"I once made a bowl out of an apple."

"Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?"

"I'd say I'm hard-working, but we're being honest here, right?"

"Playing Mario Tennis after smoking out of my apple bowl."


When someone asks, "What do you feel you can bring to our company?"...

"Higher bandwidth use from all the music I intend on downloading. This office's wireless, right?"

"Brownies."

"I'll stay late sometimes. But only if I'm going somewhere after."

"I'll be awesome at the holiday party."

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I wonder if my writing has even improved?