About Me

My photo
thought i was a donut, ya tried to glaze me


Made Of Honor

Recently Maxim Magazine got into a bit of trouble for reviewing the newest Black Crowes album without actually listening to it (Their response: "we could pretty much guess what it was going to sound like.") I actually thought of this idea a few weeks ago while watching movie previews, and I'd like some credit. Whatever.

Here's my recap of the film Made of Honor starring McDreamy and some chick. I won't say I won't go out and see it in the theaters because with my track record, who knows. But I will establish that I haven't seen it yet, and all of this is just guesstimating.

Tom has his guy friends. Tom has his girl friends. And then Tom has his best friend...

So Tom is this really hot successful ladies man. He works either on Wall Street or in some creative field--writer for a fictional newspaper/magazine, head honcho at an ad agency, etc. The movie starts with a montage of him being really busy at work. He's really charming. You want to run your fingers through Tom's hair, just like when he's playing McDreamy. He flirts with the secretaries.

Then he goes out that night to a club playing really obvious music, maybe something by Timberlake. He suavely moves to the bar and orders a drink. He flirts with the bartender, who smiles. He notices a really hot chick across the bar and buys her a drink too. He says something really charming, like Let's go have sex, or Hey I just bought you a drink you owe me sex. There's a jump cut to them making out in his Really Awesome Apartment, but it doesnt' get too graphic because it's a PG-13 movie as to appeal to a broader audience. Tom wakes up and the girl tells him she had a really great time; he smiles and says something really charming, like Get the hell out of my apartment. Then he goes to meet up with his ethnically-diverse buddies to play some ball. He's telling them all about his night. They're all like, Tom you're the man. The one schlubby white friend is all, How do you do it?. The black friend is like, Brother I know, I'm a ladies man too. Then that skinny nerdy guy who always plays a skinny nerdy guy shows up in something ridiculous and they mock him. But Tom does it kinda nicely because he's nice like that.

Then Tom goes to lunch to meet his Best Friend, Hannah. Hannah is pretty and cool and totally with it. Tom dishes to Hannah all about his night and she just laughs and is all, Oh Tom! What am I going to do with you? You'll never settle down! They're chemistry is obvious/the writers include obvious dialogue to make it seem they have total chemistry, by adding things in like,

HANNAH: I ordered you the Monte Cristo sandwich...
TOM: My favorite! What would I do without you?

Hannah and Tom go back and forth chatting and flirting but in a total Bromance way. Hannah doesn't pine after Tom but their connection is obvious/they say things like, "You're my best friend, we have such a strong connection." While watching it you turn to your friend sitting next to you and say, "What an idiot Tom is! He should get with Hannah." But then your friend turns to you and says, "No it would ruin their friendship." Then you lean back and think about how much you're in love with your best guy friend and those 10 times he used the ruining the friendship excuse when you drunkenly poured your heart to him. You almost start to cry but then there's that skinny nerdy guy again and you're happy. Wait, how'd he pop up in another scene?

There's a secondary plot line involving a mean boss who flirts with Tom, played by Jan from The Office. You remember when she played a mean boss in 27 Dresses and on The Office. You think she's an o-k actress and could probably expand her roles, but is probably just going to be play this sort of role forever. There are some more scenes involving Tom and his hot chicks/best friends/eccentric co-workers. Then Hannah calls Tom and she asks if he could meet her for dinner. This is when she tells him she's going to Scotland for work, since she is a writer/photographer/research assistant. Tom is like, What the fuck? You can't go! What will I do without you you're my best friend! She's like, Oh you'll be fine. Tom makes an ominous joke about not falling in love with a Scotsman. The audience tsks and some old lady behind you says, That's whats gonna happen! Idiot.

Tom has a miserable time without contact to his BFFFL Hannah. He calls her all the time even though she's super busy because he's selfish. He doesn't get the same enjoyment out of fucking mad broads anymore. Even his friends are concerned. The black friend says, Damn homie what's up with you?! Tom says, I don't know. There's this feeling in my heart and in my stomach that I've never felt before. The schlubby white friend says, You're in love with Hannah. Tom takes a shot but he misses. He says, OhmyGod I'm in love with Hannah. I have to tell her! Swoosh.

Lucky for him he figures this out right before she's about to come home. Over the phone she told him she has a surprise for him. He hopes it's a kilt. He shows up at the airport with flowers but then sees her with this ruggedly handsome Scottish guy. He falls down/acts stupid/gets nervous. Later that day they all go out to eat and she announces they're getting married mad soon. Tom knocks into the water/makes an ass of himself/does all that stuff you saw in the previews. Hannah says, And I want you to be my Maid of Honor! Tom makes an ass of himself again. The wedding's in Scotland. Cool.

All of Tom's bros tell him he has to pretend to like the handsome fiancee, to get an in. They say some funny stuff. This is when the movie starts resembling My Best Friend's Wedding. They all give him advice. Then Tom has to go to Scotland to get ready and stop the wedding. It looks pretty, even though it's probably just Vancouver This is when it all becomes very reminiscent of Three Men and a Little Lady. You wonder if the Scotsman wants to put little Mary in boarding school but then you remember Mary isn't in this movie. When everyone finds out Tom's the Maid of Honor there are a lot of Gay jokes and a gay guy and a priest makes a pass at Tom. He's really uncomfortable. There's a scene where Hannah's getting naked trying on her wedding dress (seriously, does she not have one female friend?) and Tom gets all uncomfortable. He finally sees that she's really hot and he's been such a fucking asshole this whole time but it's too late! You asshole! Hannah makes this even more uncomfortable by talking about lingerie and the wedding night. Tom and the Scottish guy go out for a night of male bonding. Comedy ensues.

Blah blah blah blah it's the wedding day. Tom's really conflicted because he starts to actually like the Scottish guy and he sees Hannah really loves him and she's happy. But Tom is still only thinking about himself so he gets mopey and there are at least 2 opportunities for him to say something but in order to build the climax up nothing happens. Right before he's finally about to confess his feelings he stops and starts thinking about someone other than himself for a second. So he doesn't tell Hannah and he wishes her well and he's genuinely happy for her. This is when you turn to your friend and say, "He IS really made of honor. I thought it might have just been a typo." At the wedding there are a few montage scenes of funny old people dancing, and of the gay guy dancing, but then there's a slow song by a contemporary female singer such as Norah Jones and you feel. Hannah dances with her hubby. Tom makes a toast and it's really sweet and you know people are going to be quoting it in their Facebooks pretty soon. He and Hannah dance to another slow song and you get sad again. He tells her he'll always love her and she thinks it's in the friend way, but we all know it's more.

I actually don't know where the movie's supposed to go after this. What a shitty ending!

No comments:

I wonder if my writing has even improved?