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thought i was a donut, ya tried to glaze me

8.27.2008

This Is What's Holding Me Back From Going Back To School

bart: look at me, im a grad student, im 30 years old and i made $600 last year

marge: bart, don't make fun of grad students, they just made a terrible life choice.

If You Had The Faith Of A Grain Of Mustard Seed, You Could Move Mountains

"forgive, oh Lord, my little jokes on thee/ and i'll forgive the great big one on me"
-Robert Frost

If my devoted Irish-Catholic Grandma Honie--who used to say the Rosary using pebbles back on the farm in Ireland, since the Limey Bastards wouldn't let her practice her religion--is reading this, then I'm sorry in advance. I hope Heaven doesn't have wireless. I know and I'm sorry.

At a wake once, the wake of somebody who suffered too much on Earth and died too soon, a priest got up and said a few words. Towards the end of his talk, where he spoke how unfortunate it was to lose someone this young, he told us to take comfort in Jesus.

"I know we suffer. But take comfort in knowing...that nobody suffered as much as Jesus did."

Oh yea? What is that, some "NANY NANY POO POO" way of letting us feel like Jesus' pain will always trump ours? Listen, Father, I saw that movie: the suffering lasted about a day. And He got to have a big dinner with all his friends before. You're gonna tell me the suffering of someone on a Friday afternoon is comparable to that of so many people on Earth, people who are in pain for large chunks of their life? People, mind you, who don't have an in with the Big Guy upstairs. People who have no certainty of what will happen when it's all over. People who know only what they see around them, not what they hope and pray and have faith in is real. When I heard that, I scoffed, openly. I'm sorry, but I don't see how that can EVER make ANYONE feel better, ESPECIALLY at a time like that.

I went to Catholic school most of my life. I used to go to church every Sunday. I stopped, save for the forced visits on Christmas and Easter. Me and religion didn't necessarily have a big fight or something, we both just parted ways. Like a friendship that seemed to no longer be based on the same thing, consisting of two people who are just starting to grow apart, I stopped calling.

Sometimes I miss it. Church, organized religion, a place to go every week. Sometimes I think about going back on a regular basis. I know I sort of envy those people who exhibit a strong, unwavering faith; oftentimes I'm afraid I'm too cynical to ever be like them. I try to be a goo person. I think I am. I pray. I remember what I was taught and am kind to others and every so often find myself humming church tunes to get me through. Be not afraid, I go before you, always. Come, follow me...

If only I could.

8.26.2008

Which Obama Daughter Are You?





Results:

You Are: Malia Obama



Strong, graceful, and reserved, you don't have to forcefully grab things (like microphones) to get your point across. A simple gesture, such as blowing a kiss to a television screen, help in expressing how you feel. You pride yourself on your elegance and will be most likely to maintain a fresh garden at the White House.


You Are: Sasha Obama


You don't sit around and wait for things to happen--you get right out there and determine your own destiny! Not one to wait for someone to just offer up information, you get right in there and ask ("Daddy, what city are you in?"). You are not content with allowing those above you to be in control; you use your cuteness and a sly smile to get things your way. While living at 1600 Penn Ave, you'll be hitting the bowling alley ASAP. When old enough, you may just be hitting the bars like the Bush daughters did.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!

"YAP YAP YAP...I miss the Olympics."

-My sister, while watching the Democratic National Convention

8.25.2008

Phil Leotardo Revisited

Phil Leotardo: Leonardo was a great Italian and that was our name originally, Leonardo. But many years ago, when my grandpa came over from Sicily, they changed it at Ellis Island from Leonardo to Leotardo.
Boy #3: Why'd they do that for?
Phil Leotardo: Because they're stupid, that's why. And jealous. They disrespected a proud Italian heritage, and named us after a ballet costume.
[girl raises her hand]
Phil Leotardo: Marissa.
Girl #2: That's for modern. In ballet, you wear tutus.
Boy #2: It doesn't make a difference.
Phil Leotardo: That's right, it doesn't.

8.18.2008

On Facebook: Part Two

I'm very particular about really trivial things--mainly Facebook--and I'm afraid that makes me come off as a bitch.

Just recently I went on a 10-minute rant about my issues with the way some people fill out their Facebook profiles. This has happened before. Some people don't seem to understand that the questions they ask you in your profile--favorite TV show, favorite movie--are there so you can LIST what you enjoy. If you have quite a few, by all means, type them in. But please, PLEASE, do not engage in some pseudo-conversation with Facebook.

Completely Made Up Example:

Favorite Books: Wow, that's a tough one. I don't have much time to read now that I started grad school, but there are a few ones that do stand out in my memory. I can't really remember them right now. I'll leave this blank.

BUT YOU DIDN'T LEAVE IT BLANK! You wrote all about how you don't have a favorite book! This isn't a transcribed interview in a magazine; YOU ARE NOT TALKING TO ANYBODY! You went through all that without even naming a book or an author.

Favorite TV Show: Now that reality TV's taken over, wow, I don't know if I have a favorite. I'll usually just watch whatever's on, but I'm sure there's one I love. I'll get back to you.

GET BACK TO WHO?! WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?! FACEBOOK ISN'T A PERSON WHO ASKS YOU QUESTIONS! IF YOU CAN'T THINK OF SOMETHING, LEAVE IT BLANK. Or make it up.

(Do I sound like a bitch?)

8.17.2008

Reasons I, If By Some Happenstance Had The Opportunity To, Would Not Date Michael Phelps

1. He probably smells like chlorine. How could he not? There's no shower gel in the world that can compete with hours and hours of swimming in a hot pool. And I hate the smell of chlorine.

2. Total butter face.

3. All he'd talk about is swimming. I'd probably get sick of hearing him go on and on about how rich and talented he is or about how annoyed he was at Ryan Lochte for taking the better lane during practice. Damn Phelps, don't you watch TV?

4. He's too skinny. You know how I feel about that.

5. All his gold medals might get in the way. Because you know he wears them to the bar.

6. When I wasn't looking, or in the bathroom, he'd finish my dinner. He's gotta get those 12,000 calories in sometime.

7. He might swallow my face with his giant mouth.

8.11.2008

Not a Fan/Fan

FAN:



I first saw this commercial the night before my volleyball championships and I swear to God, I went to sleep that night swearing I was Misty May. Twelve hours later and I was quickly brought back to Earth, and back to my horrible serve, but the point is clear: these images, that song, the message can make you really feel like it's Already In You. Even though, in my case, it never was.

NOT A FAN:


I love pickles, but this sandwich does not look good. McDonalds loves making you think it looks good, and loves putting this added importance to the sandwich, like it's going to cure cancer and bring us world peace. If anything, the Wendy's Pita could have done that, but that went to shit and now we're all still fighting.





"There's a time and a place for everything, children, and it's called college."
-Chef

8.06.2008

Olympics: Short Set

All this hoopla about the Olympics, and I honestly couldn't care less. I wasn't always this indifferent towards the games; I was a big fan of hobbly Kerri Strugg and the rest of her team, and I fondly remember re-enacting Nancy Kerrigan's blow to the knee (I was Nancy ["My Leg! My Leg!"] and my sister was the masked thug). But now, in 2008, I don't care who's winning what and the only thing I really want to watch is the volleyball games because I'm now really into volleyball.

8.01.2008

GUIDO BEACH



I knew reading D Listed religiously would pay off eventually.

I wonder if my writing has even improved?